I'm Just Too Far
by justsomebrittanagleek
Summary: The only problem, she says that like it's not a big deal, is that there's a very big difference from last New Years to this one. Not only is she alone for this one, but Brittany's not. Canon one-shot.


**Title: **I'm Just Too Far (From Where You Are)  
**Characters: **Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce and mentions of Sam, Quinn, Brittany, Sugar and others.  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Length: **14.1k  
**Summary: **The only problem, she says that like it's _not _a big deal, is that there's a _very _big difference from last New Years to this one. Not only is she alone for this one, but Brittany's _not._

**Notes: **There's just so much angst and I used it to my advantage to write this. Supposedly canon to the storyline, up to 4x09 anyway. Unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. Title from Michael Buble's _Home._

/

Many people say things that they don't mean.

Some people say things when they're sad; they reveal something about themselves and wish they could take it back because it makes them feel vulnerable.

Some people say things when they're angry; they shout something, call someone something or let everything loose.

And some people say things when they're drunk; the alcohol gets to them, all inhibitions and security fades and the truthful words just come out.

But then you have the final one, where some people say things that they don't mean, hoping that the other will see through their lie; hope that they'll know it better.

And that's exactly the type that Santana meant.

She just didn't think Brittany would actually go through with what she said.

/

All of the old New Directions stay for the New Years party Sugar throws at her house.

It's not a big deal, just most of the old New Directions and a few of the new ones, and Santana's excited to go because she enjoys these get togethers. They had one at Thanksgiving, sort of had one at Christmas when most of them went to that Christmas fair, Winter Wonderland and now they're having one to finish off the year. There probably won't be a lot for a while now considering there aren't any big holiday breaks until Summer, and so Santana's looking forward to this one.

_Ish._

The only problem, she says that like it's _not _a big deal, is that there's a _very _big difference from last New Years to this one.

Not only is she alone for this one, but Brittany's _not._

She and Sam started dating, apparently. Santana doesn't know when, all she knows is that she came back a week before Christmas, went over to Brittany's house to surprise her and opened the door to Brittany's mom, looking a little startled. That had led to a stuttered "what are you doing here, Santana?" and a pathetic "she's doing homework" excuse which never stopped Santana going up before, but Mrs. Pierce eventually let her in and smiled at her a little weirdly as she yelled up the stairs to Brittany, telling her she was here.

/

"_Brittany, Santana's here!"_

_Suspicion struck Santana as she watched Mrs. Pierce yell up the stairs. It just wasn't like her, especially considering she'd usually just leave the door open and Santana would breeze in with a brief greeting before disappearing up the stairs to her daughter. But then she heard Brittany yell back down, her voice sounding just... Off. Almost flustered, and Santana knew in that instant that someone was up there with her. That Brittany wasn't alone in her bedroom._

_So she chose to stay put, by the bottom of the stairs, feeling like someone had just kicked her in the gut, spat on her and then pushed her over simultaneously. But she also felt a huge amount of frustration at herself because it's not like she was _allowed _to feel like that. They were 'unofficially' broken up, and both of them were allowed to have attractions and to date other people, and it was Santana that freaking suggested it so she couldn't say anything. Instead just had to dwell on her pain quietly._

_Mrs. Pierce shot her a smile at the sound of Brittany's voice, but quickly slid out the door with her hand over her heart, and Santana just ducked her head as the sound of someone bumbling down the stairs became apparent. She lifted her head, finding Brittany slowing as she came down the last few steps with her hair slightly tousled, the hem of her top in her hands, toying nervously, and a smile on her face that said so many things, but the most emphatic one was the _'please don't hate me' _look shading behind her blue, blue eyes._

_And in that moment, Santana's heart dropped straight out her body sure never to return again because it was true. Someone _was _up there with Brittany._

_But she'd sucked it up, kept all the hurt, regret and pain inside and sent a prayer to the heavens that she wouldn't cry. Not because she didn't want to, but because she wasn't allowed._

"_Hey," Brittany breathed and Santana's heart fluttered annoyingly at the sound of it._

_Santana swallowed against a thickening throat. "Hey, Britt," she rasped out, and they stared at each other for a long few seconds before one of them moved, and then they were hugging._

_It was supposed to be nice. It was supposed to make her feel better, to have Brittany back in her arms, but it didn't; because the second she was wrapped up in the embrace, she knew _exactly _who was upstairs. She knew because Brittany smelt like him, and Santana used to as well, back in Junior year when he would suck roughly at her neck with his huge guppy mouth._

_Brittany was dating Sam._

_Fuck._

"_Sam," she blurted out, looking into blue eyes when the hug broke._

_Brittany gulped, the corners of her mouth turned down and she nodded, slowly. "I—uh, Yeah," she whispered. "He—He was just there for me and..."_

_The rest of the sentence went unfinished, but Santana knew the '_you weren't'_ that was supposed to be on the end. It was another kick in the gut but Santana held her chin high, knowing they were trying this whole 'friends' thing which meant she was supposed to be supportive. She was supposed to be happy and so she forced the most genuine smile she could and didn't even falter when Brittany tilted her head to the side and said, "You don't have to pretend like you're happy for me."_

"_Well, I'm trying to be," she replied, honestly, inhaling quivering breaths. "So, please, don't ruin my performance."_

_Brittany's face dropped, eyes darting down to her foot as it shifted along the floor and then a quiet second later, footsteps came down the stairs and only a moment after that, Sam appeared, hair tousled, eyes wide and shirt creased. Santana took a step back on instinct, like it would help minimize the pain (for the record, it didn't) and Sam eyed her warily when she came into view, almost like he was scared she was going to hit him or something._

"_Santana," he breathed out, completely surprised by her arrival. "What are you doing here?" _

_He tried to reach forward subtly to set a hand on Brittany's lower back when he came to the same step as her, but Santana saw the action and Brittany even flinched away from it, leaning forward until Sam dropped his hand beside him once more._

"_Hey, Sammy," she chirped, steeling herself as she stepped forward and reached out for a hug. _

_Sam reciprocated, and she could just imagine him mouthing '_what the fuck' _to Brittany over her shoulder, but ignored it and pulled away again, smiling back up at him with as much strength as she could muster. She knew she only had about two minutes before she was going to burst into tears, and so she sped it up, deciding to pretend like she had to go somewhere else instead of staying here and being the awkward third wheel._

"_I'm just here to tell Brittany I'm back," she tried._

"_You only came here to tell me you're back?" Brittany interjected, narrowing her eyes._

_Santana clasped her hands together in front of her, nodding sharply. "Yeah. My—uh... My phone broke, and I already went home so I was just... Going around to tell people I'm back."_

_That wasn't true. She hadn't even been home yet to tell her mom that she was back, and Brittany must've known because her jaw clenched. Sam didn't know any different, just nodded along, completely convinced by the lie. Brittany knew better though. She knew better because if Santana had gone home first, and not come here straight away, then she could've used her home land line to call her to tell her she was home. It wasn't like she could've used the 'I forgot your number' excuse because she's had Brittany's mobile, Brittany's home line and Brittany's mom's number memorized since she just started growing tits._

_Yet Brittany didn't say a thing, even though she knew Santana was lying. She just sucked her lips into her mouth and let her eyes bore into Santana's, conveying that she knew the lie through that instead. Not being able to bare that look, those eyes, Santana just ducked her head._

"_You should get that fixed," Sam said, smiling. "I know a guy that'll do it real cheap."_

_Santana flashed the fakest smile she could toward him, but tried to make it genuine. Sam didn't notice, though. She almost laughed as Brittany looked at him with an incredulous expression as if to ask how the hell he didn't notice._

"_Thanks, Sam. I'll think about it," she bobbed her head to her words and then straightened up, exhaling heavily. "I've gotta shoot now, though. My mom asked me to be back."_

_She reached for the door handle, twisting it, but before she could pull it open, longer, warm fingers wrapped around her hand and her entire body froze. She tried to ignore the way her skin tingled, the way her heart skipped a beat and the way her breath hitched in her throat, but it was the first time she'd held hands with Brittany in over a month and her body was craving it. After all, Brittany was the only relationship she ever had where she held hands; it was just something special to her. Sounds pathetic, but the little things meant the biggest to her, and those are the things she missed the most._

"_Do you have to go so soon?" Brittany whispered, but it was so quiet in the room that Sam must have heard._

_Santana gently tugged her hand away, nodding slowly with a smile. "Yeah, Britt. I'll see you... Whenever."_

_Brittany's shoulders pulled back, and Sam stepped down toward her as Santana yanked open the door and stepped outside, burying her hands in her pockets and her chin in her jacket as she walked to her car. _

_She didn't look back, _couldn't_ look back, and so she just kept walking, and when she got in her car, she drove away until those two minutes were up and then the tears just flowed freely._

/

So yeah, Brittany and Sam were dating and it turns out that everyone knew before she did.

That was probably one of the things that hit her hardest about it, because she thought that she and Brittany were trying to be friends; she thought they were doing well and purposely not telling Santana that she was even developing feelings for Sam in the first place was the first sign that they hadn't developed. That they were still madly in love with each other and couldn't possibly be friends. Not that the love would suddenly disappear, because a love like theirs never did, but she thought they could focus on the friendship part of them instead.

But it didn't matter. Santana knew it was going to hurt and now she's putting up with it; she's putting a smile on her face, pretending everything's okay and trying her damn best to be happy for Brittany because she herself isn't happy, but that's what you do anyway, isn't it? When you love someone, you want them to be happy no matter _how _they're happy, regardless of whether they share that happiness with you in love or with someone else, you just _be _happy for them.

So that's what she's doing.

And it sort of works through Christmas. She manages to give Brittany a Christmas present that doesn't say _I love you _and _I'm sorry _and _I was so stupid, take me back _and instead says _we can be friends _and _this is working for us. _Although it turns out Brittany doesn't quite have the same approach, and so she gives Santana a present she bought for her earlier this year that was supposed to be for Christmas anyway, even though they were supposed to be together at Christmas, too. But that just means the present that Brittany was supposed to give her when they were together, and the second Santana sees it, she bursts into tears, even though she promised herself she'd never cry in front of Brittany again.

Because it's a silver locket, but not one from Tiffany's or from some worldwide jewellery's company, but from a small store in Fort Shawnee. They went there last Christmas to get a tree for the Pierce household with the Pierce's, and she remembers it well because it was so cold, and she hates the cold, but it didn't matter because Brittany was by her side, and Brittany pulled her behind one of the big trees to kiss her, to bring warmth to her mouth and thank her for coming with her — despite the fact that Santana had gone every year with them to get a Christmas tree since she was seven.

Anyway, they'd walked by this little shop, and Santana had stopped and looked at a locket in the display. It was exactly like the one her abuela had given her for her sixth birthday, but she'd long lost that. She'd told Brittany how much she'd loved it but then sighed because the price of it was ridiculous; but it seems Brittany had gone back at some other time and bought it for her, keeping it stored away for Christmas.

Turning it over in her palm, she examines it and finds a small inscription carved into the back of it. It's not much, but Santana sees it clear as day and she whimpers when her eyes scan over the word for the fourth, fifth time.

"It says BSP," Brittany whispers, and Santana looks up from the locket to Brittany at the other end of the bed, smiling shyly. "I didn't want it to go to waste and..." she rolls her shoulders in a small shrug, sucking her bottom lip in. "I know you loved it and it reminded you of your abuela when things were..." She trails off, licking her lips. "When things weren't so complicated."

The corners of Santana's mouth turn up and she fights another sob threatening to break, instead clamping down on her lips. "Thank you, Brittany," she breathes, and then her eyes flicker up, tracing over every inch of Brittany's skin, taking in the emotion in the slightly narrowed eyes, the small crinkle between her eyebrows that means she's concerned and how she's chewing on the inside of her cheek because she's nervous. They just stare at each other, drinking in the sight of one another in Santana's room for the first time in months, and Santana's heart swells as she looks over this girl.

It brings back all these memories, and Santana knows how she would have reacted back before they broke up; back even before they were dating, actually. She'd always crook her finger, beckon Brittany toward her and whispers the thanks as their lips pressed together, before both of them fell back to the bed. It used to be that easy, and Brittany's looking at her like she knows what they used to do, like she wants to do what they used to do, but both of them know better. They're just friends now, they're just trying to make it as friends anyway, and Brittany has Sam, anyway.

Brittany's taken.

By someone else.

(God, Santana's such a dumbass.)

"It's..." Brittany breathes in, her eyes focused on locked on dark ones, dating between them. "It's never a problem with you," she lets out through an exhale, her eyes darting down to Santana's lips as she chews on the side of her own, her finger shifting nervous in her lap. "You know I'd do anything to make you happy."

And that does it.

Before Santana can even think about what she's doing, she's moving further down the bed, close enough that their legs bump and close enough that she can grab at Brittany's hands and clasp onto them, bringing them between them, the locket left behind her on the comforter. Blue eyes stay locked on her the entire way, even when they lean into each other and Santana can see the vulnerability behind them, she can see the fear of having to say goodbye lingering there, too and it hurts. It hurts because she knows she's going to have to say goodbye. She's going back to Kentucky after New Years and she probably won't be back for a while; not now there's nothing really to come back for anymore; not now that Brittany has Sam. It would just be too painful to come back and see them, even if Santana's trying to stay strong and work with this whole 'friends' thing. Because she knows her boundaries, she knows what she can handle and seeing Brittany and Sam is just too much.

And she thinks Brittany knows it too because she's leaning in, their eyes never straying from each other as their foreheads touch, the gravity, the tether that ties them together, the one that's always been there and always will be there, is pulling them close. Santana can feel Brittany's breath beating against her face, her lips, and she can see the way her chest is heaving up and down but she can't hear any of it over the sound of her pulse roaring in her ears. Her heart's beating so loud because it's been _so _long; so long since she's had those lips against hers, since she's let Brittany have her and she craves for it so desperately now. She craves for Brittany's touch, and just for _Brittany _and she misses her so damn much and doesn't want to give in because she can't give Brittany what she wants, but Brittany can already see that, she's already spotted it and she's reaching up with a shaking hand to cup Santana's cheek, keeping her there.

"San..." she stutters, hoarsely and Santana's eyes flutter shut at the sound. She's missed hearing Brittany like that so damn much but it doesn't loosen the knot inside of Santana's chest, the one telling her that she should stop this, just get up and walk out because they _can't _do this anymore. It's not the same as it used to be. No matter how much she wants this, no matter how much her body's yearning for Brittany's kiss.

But she doesn't find herself pulling away, even as those thoughts run through her mind, instead she finds herself wrapping her fingers around Brittany's wrist, the one near her face, and gasping as she feels Brittany's pulse hammering there. It shouldn't be surprising that Brittany's nervous, that she's breathing that fast due to how close they are because she knows that nothing really has changed between them. The feelings, the emotions and the pull hasn't changed and they're obviously still madly in love with each other, but Santana thought that now Sam's in the picture, Brittany wouldn't want her as much, wouldn't love her as much, and she thinks that's part of the thing tugging the knot tighter in her chest because Brittany's not completely hers anymore.

They're back to square one, back to Junior year when they were both pretending like they weren't in love with each other, like they didn't want to fall asleep in each others arms and whisper _I love you _into each others mouths as they kissed each other goodnight. It's like they're back there, back where Santana was pushing and pulling Brittany, and that's not progress; that's not what Santana meant or wanted when she broke up with Brittany. She wanted them to move forward, to focus on the best friend part of their relationship because they weren't _just girlfriends_, they were best friends, and she wanted to mature, for both of them to grow up and get back together when things weren't so difficult with college and life.

And this isn't how it was supposed to go.

Still, she can't seem to pull away and they just stay like this, sharing breath and space, staring into each others eyes and trying to read what they want. Her eyes close without conscious thought as Brittany lifts her other hand to brush Santana's face, the tips of her fingers trailing along the edge of her jaw to the back of her neck, where they slide into the fine hair at her nape, but she's so scared. She's so terrified to do this because this isn't what was supposed to happen tonight. Brittany was supposed to come over, they were supposed to exchange gifts and have a hug that lasts an inappropriate amount of time by the front door before Santana leans against the door frame, thinking about how much of an idiot she is for ever letting that girl go as the love of her life walks off into another person's arms.

_That's _what was supposed to happen, yet somehow they've gone from presents to breathing in and out of each other, their lips almost touching as Brittany's nose strokes her cheek, her eyes fluttering as the distance between their mouths minimizes. Santana opens her eyes just a little, inhaling sharply at how close Brittany is, how she can see all the freckles dusted across the bridge of Brittany's nose and how she still has those little silver specks darted around the pupils in the blueness of her eyes. She can't believe that she's this close, that she's lucky enough to get this close again, no matter how wrong it may be; and she almost manage to look away, almost manages to break out of it.

_Almost._

But then Brittany's hand adds the lightest of pressures against the back of Santana's neck, her eyes opening to stare into Santana's and Santana's pretty much powerless when she's _this_ close, looking into _those_ eyes, and about to kiss _those _lips. So she does the only thing she can, and tilts her head as the gap between their lips closes, her eyes fluttering shut.

_It starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose... Wherever it goes, I always know..._

She reels back instantly like she's just been branded with an open flame. Her hand drops heavily away from Brittany's wrist and she swallows loudly, hurt slicing through her as she looks at Brittany, still hovering, lips parted but eyes squeezed shut now instead of gently closed.

Because just like, the moment's over.

Letting the pain flow through her, Santana backs up until the small of her back hits the headboard, but somehow it doesn't' feel like enough. The stab of pain keeps piercing at her and her face contorts as she curls around herself, arms winding around her legs as she brings them to her chest; but the pain won't go away. She sucks in deep, unsteady breaths, trying to get the oxygen that just isn't there. It feels like she can't breathe and she looks up, finding that Brittany hasn't moved. She's still sitting there, but now there's a crinkle between her eyebrows, now her fists are curled against her jeans and now her lips are sucked in like she's trying not to cry.

_You make me smile please stay for a while now... Just take your time wherever you go..._

Slowly, Brittany opens her eyes, staring into Santana's with glossy blue that makes Santana want to punch something. The need to do it sizzles down her arm and she finds herself clenching her fist, her eyes suddenly turning watery as she tries to tell Brittany not to answer it. She tries to say it with her eyes, with her expression, with the way her bottom lip quivers, and she knows Brittany can tell what she's trying to do, but her response isn't the one that Santana wants. Brittany's lips part, her eyes flicking away guiltily and Santana watches with intense pain as Brittany slowly drags her hand back, reaching into her pocket and bringing out her phone.

And she tries to say something. She sees Brittany trying to do the same as her eyes flick between the two, almost like she's having to choose but Santana knows the answer before the girl's even made it. She's been able to read Brittany since they were seven years old, and she knows that right now, the answer she's going to get is most definitely not the one she wants.

"San—"

The noise almost frightens Santana into speaking, because she snaps her head up, looks Brittany straight in the eye and says those three words, "You should answer."

It must not have been what Brittany was expecting because her entire head jerks back, her face dropping, void of an expression and eyes squinting like she can't quite believe that Santana just said that. If she's honest, neither can Santana because it's not what she really means. She doesn't want Brittany to answer the phone, she wants Brittany to throw it aside, to tug Santana toward her and mutter apologies as she kisses her slowly, softly, drawing out the feelings they both know are there, but that doesn't happen.

And because she's Santana, because she's stubborn, protective of herself, because she's guarded, she also adds on, "You should leave, too," onto the end of her last sentence.

She's never said those words before. She's never told Brittany to leave, not even through the whole Artie debacle, but she knows she doesn't mean that either. She's telling Brittany to go with her words, but she's asking Brittany to stay with her eyes, and Brittany stares at her, and the hope inside Santana's chest slowly begins to fade when she realizes that Brittany can't see that. It's like something's been broken between them, like they can't read each other, and darkness seeps into Santana's veins as she looks into blue eyes and finds that Brittany is actually taking her words for what they are.

After all those times Brittany's been able to read her before, and this _one time _she can't? This one time that's without doubt one of the most important times between them?

Maybe it's not meant to be.

Without another word, Brittany slowly climbs off the bed, keeping her head down, phone in hand as she slips on her shoes and heads out the door. Santana just stays, sitting there, reaching across the comforter to clutch at the abandoned locket as she wishes and hopes that something will change in Brittany's mind. That she won't pick up the phone, or go over and see Sam after this. That she will think about Santana's words, think about Santana had looked when she said it, that she'll realize that Santana didn't actually mean what she said, but meant something else entirely.

But most of all, Santana wishes that Brittany will just come walking back through that door, and that she'll fight for Santana and tell her that Sam doesn't mean half as much as she does.

Half an hour later though, she's still staring at the door, the chain of the locket running through her fingers as she realizes that Brittany isn't going to come back.

And that maybe she never will.

/

You can't be friends with someone you're madly in love with.

It's just not possible.

You can't be friends with someone when every time you look at them, you're thinking about how much you really want them.

That's not possible either.

You can't be friends with someone, and smile about that when all you want to do is cry because that's all they are.

It's just not logical.

But the love that lasts the longest, that hurts the deepest and feels the strongest, is the love that can never be.

Funny how things work out like that.

/

The party's in full swing by nine o'clock, which is pretty impressive considering last Christmas, pretty much no-one started getting pumped for the countdown until the actual countdown.

Santana's sitting on the sofa with a red solo cup in hand when the doorbell rings. She whips her head up, ignoring what Quinn and Rachel are talking about next to her and finds Sam and Brittany wandering in, Sam's arm wrapped around Brittany's waist and Brittany leading them, stepping past Sugar, kissing her on the cheek before Sam does the same. Her heart clenches as she watches them, knowing that the New Directions must see them like this all the time, and it really fucking hurts because it's obvious this isn't the first party they've turned up to together. It makes her wonder how many they have done that with.

A hand, soft and gentle, presses against her forearm as she watches Brittany and Sam wander through the room, and she turns her head to find Rachel staring at her, eyes sympathetic.

"Are you okay?" She asks, and Santana ducks her head, swallowing thickly.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Rachel breathes out, clearly wanting to say more but doesn't, choosing to keep her mouth shut as she sips from her cup. It's the first time Santana's actually grateful for something Rachel has done—okay, that's a lie—so she just smiles and lets out a long exhale as she pushes up from the sofa and turns back around, looking between Quinn and Rachel.

"Do you guys want a drink? I'm gonna go get another one," she offers, lifting her cup.

They both decline, shaking their head and delve into conversation again. Santana doesn't even look around to see if Brittany's anywhere near as she pushes through the throng of dancing people, sliding to the right and apologizing when she accidentally knocks into someone. It's not like her to apologize, but for some reason she's feeling a bit more forgiving tonight and even throws in a smile as a bewildered Junior looks at her like she's grown two heads. Then again, she supposes it is weird that she's being nice. Whatever.

The kitchen's empty when she gets there, and it seems people haven't even started on the array of alcohol Sugar's dad supplied, probably got their own. She makes her way over to the table and sets down her cup, chewing on the inside of her cheek as she scans across the various mixers and bottles of liquor. She could choose Jagermeister, mix it with a Red Bull and down a Jagerbomb, but she knows that that's her 'weakness' drink that always gets her thoroughly trashed; and she's emotional enough as it is. She doesn't need any alcohol to let the tears show.

In the end, she goes for a Jack and coke and is just twisting the bottle cap open on the mixer when she hears light footsteps behind her. She stops immediately, smiles down at herself and feels the atmosphere warm around her. She knows exactly who it is and takes a moment to let herself feel the way her body relaxes whenever that girl's in the room.

"Hey," Brittany whispers and Santana's eyes close at the sound. God, she's missed that voice.

Sparing a glance over her shoulder, she says a quick, "Hi," with a weak smile before turning back to her drink.

The footsteps get closer, and the air around Santana gets warmer as Brittany steps up to her, a little closer than necessary and stands beside her, reaching over to grab the vodka; but Santana stops her, barely touching her wrist with the tips of her fingers before pulling back and looking up to quizzical blue eyes.

"I'll get it," she whispers, and the corners of Brittany's lips curve as they stare at each other.

But then Santana breaks it, turning back and pouring the Jack Daniels into her cup before reaching for the vodka and pouring some into Brittany's cup, whilst Brittany leans against the table beside her, face on with a smile on her face.

"How are you?"

Santana nods to herself, popping open the orange juice. "I'm good," she breathes, not incredibly convincingly. "And you?" She tries to stop herself, she really does, but the rest just comes out. "You seem pretty happy with Sam."

To her credit, though, Brittany doesn't even flinch. "Yeah, I am," she replies, softly. "He's... He's good to me."

It hurts to hear the words, but she knows that Sam's doing things for Brittany that she can't. It's fine. She's fine. Obviously she's not because Brittany's dating someone else, but Brittany's happy, and Santana's happy for her. She may not be happy herself, but it doesn't really matter, does it. The person she loves does and as far as she's concerned, that's all that matters.

"That's great, Britt," she mutters, taking the cap off the coke and pouring it with her Jack. "So how long have you two been together?"

Blue eyes look over her for a long moment. "Beginning of the month," she whispers and Santana looks away. "It was just after Thanksgiving."

Clenching her jaw, she takes in a deep breath. Why didn't she know about it? Why didn't anyone tell her? She knows it was probably for her own protection or whatever, but she should've known. It's been weeks since then, almost a whole _month, _and personally, she thinks she should've known. Someone should've told her. _Brittany _should've told her. There was a perfect opportunity to when they were all at Winter Wonderland. And for that matter, how come she didn't notice that when they were there? How did she not notice how close they were when they went there with the rest of the group?

_God. _She's an even _bigger _idiot now.

"Oh, right," she says, trying not to sound too down about it. "That's good." She nods, putting the lids onto all the open bottles. "You two are good together."

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the corners of Brittany's lips curve as she nods, and Santana knows she can't stand here anymore, talking about Sam. Sure, she may have brought it up but there's only so much she can take.

Grabbing both drinks, she pushes Brittany's toward her and stops quickly as she says, "I better be getting back to Quinn and Rachel. I told them I wouldn't be long."

It's a lie, but only she knows that. Brittany just stares at her, her lips shifting like she wants to say something but Santana just gives a lopsided smile as she moves to leave.

But before she can, cool fingers wrap around her wrist and she still instantly, twisting her neck a little to look back at Brittany out the corner of her eye.

"You know I still love you, don't you?" Brittany whispers and Santana's heart breaks all over again.

She lets out a short chuckle, smiling at herself and gently tugs her arm away from Brittany's grasp, turning fully around to her with a sad expression. "Always," she breathes with one hundred percent certainty.

Love was never the problem for them; it was always the circumstance. Guess things never change.

"But I'm glad you're happy," she adds through a whisper. "You deserve it."

Their eyes lock and they gaze at each other longingly for a long moments before Santana breaks it, knowing she can't continue doing this—she can't take it—and sucks in her lips, smiling sadly once at her ex-girlfriend before she walks out, before she can cry.

A long tear trails down Brittany's cheek the second Santana leaves.

/

Somehow later on, she ends up in a circle with most of the old glee girls; Brittany, Quinn, Rachel, Mercedes, Tina and Sugar. They're all standing around chatting, drinking and laughing together. The conversation is going well, it really is, and Santana's actually finding herself relaxing and not constantly looking toward Brittany every two seconds; she thinks she just needs time to adjust to being around the girl.

But somehow, the conversation takes a turn and Santana finds herself staring at Rachel as the girl speaks to her.

"So, Santana, how's Louisville?"

All the girls stop their own conversation and listen into Santana's, and she fiddles with her cup as she debates whether or not to say what she's thinking. One of the girls already sort of knows what's going on here, and surprisingly enough it's _not _Brittany. Quinn was the one that prompted her, that literally slapped her into thinking about this, and ever since it happened at Thanksgiving, Santana hasn't been able to get this thought out her head.

So much so, actually, that she even talked to her mom about it and is now seriously considering it.

"It's good," she answers, bobbing her head and looking up from her cup. "But, erm... I'm actually thinking about coming to New York," she says, directing her eyesight at Brittany, even though she feels Brittany's eyes snap to her immediately. "I think that it'd be good for me. I think that's what I wanna do."

Rachel's face contorts with excitement and she grins widely, clapping her hands together and jumping a little. "Oh, that's excellent!" She exclaims. "If you're interested, you could chip in with the rent with Kurt and I and we could all live together?"

Santana chuckles to herself, scratching her eyebrow to try and make the itch go away on her face, but she knows it won't. Blue eyes are locked onto her face, gazing at her and they have been since she announced she was thinking about going to New York. Admittedly, she does feel bad for not telling Brittany this, but then again she doesn't really know why she should have. Okay, yeah, they're friends, but they don't talk constantly—a phone call a week, if they're lucky—and there are some things that they don't share; apparently things including a certain fish lipped blonde.

But she's not going to be petty about this.

"Sure, Berry," she says, laughing through her nose and scrunching up her nose. "But I don't even know if I'm going go yet, though, so."

She trails off, and she sees Quinn raise an eyebrow at her from across the circle but makes a point to ignore it. She knows what that look means; she knows that Quinn's giving her that _you should go _look but she doesn't care. It's her life and she's not going to thank Quinn for slapping her into gear; the bitch still hasn't apologized for that.

Not that she's being pathetic or anything.

"I'm gonna go to the toilet," she says, quickly sliding out and heading towards the toilet.

She pushes through the people, not bothering with apologizing now and tugs the hem of her dress down to make sure it doesn't ride too high on her thighs. The last thing she wants is someone checking her out, boy or girl; she honestly thinks she'd probably kick some ass if she caught anyone doing that because she's just _not _in the mood.

When she reaches the downstairs toilet, she immediately hears groaning and moaning coming from inside and rolls her eyes. People need the toilet and there's two people _fucking _in there? God, what is wrong with people these days?

She turns away and heads upstairs, knowing that there'll be another toilet in this mansion of a house and finally manages to find one after wandering down one long ass hallway. Luckily, no-one's in there and she slides inside, flicking on the lock and turning around to stare in the mirror.

It's weird, because ever since she broke up with Brittany, it's like someone turned the lights out behind her eyes. They're not as bright as they used to be—as bright as dark brown as can be anyway—and she knows that there's only one person who can bring that back. Her skin's being weird, too. It's not like, growing spots or being greasy or whatever, it's just seems to have lost its glow.

She knows it's ridiculous to be like this considering she was the one that broke up with Brittany, but the only reason she did it was because she loved Brittany. It sounds weird when you look at it like that, because surely if you love someone, you would want to be with them; but it was just that Santana loved Brittany too much to hurt her.

She couldn't always be there for Brittany, not like she used to, and she couldn't always be what Brittany wanted her to be because their lives are so drastically different now. She couldn't be what Brittany needed, can't be what Brittany _needs, _and as much as she hates that, she loves Brittany too much to drag her down. She can't keep Brittany down, keep Brittany hanging onto something that won't be there when she needs it and she just wants Brittany to be happy.

And it seems Brittany's found that happiness in Sam.

So she needs to stop thinking about Brittany, wondering whether she made a mistake breaking up with Brittany because it doesn't matter anymore. Brittany has Sam, and she and Brittany are working on this whole friends thing, even if she knows that ultimately, you can't be friends with someone you're in love with because it's just too goddamn hard.

She just needs to be happy for Brittany.

So she'll do just that.

/

When she steps outside, the girl Quinn mentored back in the Thanksgiving week, Kitty, is standing there, looking entirely unimpressed by Santana's presence. Santana rolls her eyes at her as she walks past, but manages to hear the "about time, amigo" the girl slides in rudely before she disappears behind the toilet door. Seriously, that girl just needs a slap. She's like a younger but ruder version of Quinn.

Not caring enough to wait for the girl and go Lima Heights on her for being slightly racist, Santana aims to head back down to the party, maybe to drink a little more and then slide out before Sugar turns on the TV and the ball drops in New York because she just doesn't want to deal with that. Last year she had Brittany, standing behind her, arms wrapped around her waist, lips beside her cheek as she mouthed along to the numbers as they went down, and Santana couldn't take her eyes off her, even as she twisted around, whispered _I love you _before she kissed her as they sailed into the next year.

But this year she's not going to have it. She's going to be all alone and she really doesn't want to be here to witness Sam kissing the girl she should be at midnight. There's only like ten minutes till the countdown anyway, so she's got enough time to have a drink and come up with an excuse to slide out early.

Well, that's the plan until she walks down the hall and catches a flash of blonde in her peripheral vision as she passes a bedroom. She stops immediately, looking down the hall and trying to figure out if that was a figment of her imagination—it happens _a lot _in Kentucky—but then figures there's no harm in looking again. Taking a step back, she peers into the room and surely enough, there's a blonde girl standing there, staring out the frosted window into the dark streets of Lima; but it's not just any blonde girl, it's Brittany.

It's natural reaction for Santana to step inside the room with her, and she takes her time walking over to her, scared she's going to frighten Brittany or catch her in a time where Brittany doesn't want to be caught. Santana looks over all the items inside the room from the pictures of Sugar when she was a baby to the pictures of an older looking guy standing next to a car that looks pretty damn futuristic. She looks over the chair in the corner, toward the large closet, to the massive bookcase stretching across the right side of the ball with hundreds of books within it.

Santana wouldn't have ever taken Sugar for a girl like that, but when she peers a little closer and finds books like _How To Time Travel _and _The LP Family Book, _she figures that, yeah, just because Sugar's a book girl doesn't mean she's a Shakespeare or Dickens kind of book girl. Although Santana has to admit the _LP Family Book _seems strangely familiar to her, like she's having deja vu or something, but whatever, this is the first time she's ever been in Sugar's room so she must have just drunk something funny.

Turning her attention back to Brittany, Santana manages to crane her neck and shift her feet just that little bit more until she can see Brittany's cheek, paled and stained with dry tear tracks. Santana's breath catches in her throat as she looks at her, because as she moves a little closer, a little more to the left, too, she can see the redness surrounding blue eyes and at that moment, Brittany moves, uncrossing an arm over her chest to wipe at her eyes.

But Brittany doesn't notice her presence, or if she does, she doesn't say anything and continues to stare out the window, sniffing to herself as she cries. It breaks Santana's heart to see this, and so she decides to do something, which is stepping forward until Brittany can't _not _see Santana standing there, and she joins Brittany up by the window, standing beside her without saying a word as she joins in with looking outside, crossing her arms over her chest to stop herself from grabbing the blonde girl and pulling her into a hug she'll probably never release her from.

She just stands there completely silent, not really knowing what to say because usually she's the one _causing _the sadness, not dealing with it; especially with Brittany. She stands there, matches her breathing pattern with Brittany's and lets her eyes roam around outside, flicking up the star filled sky and down to the neighbor across the road take his dog for a walk. It's calm, much calmer than Santana thought it would be, and after a number of minutes, she sees Brittany shift and gets herself ready to listen.

It's what friends do, right?

Brittany sniffs, rubbing at her nose and then slowly turns to Santana, her blue eyes locking onto her profile. "Why didn't you tell me?" She asks, and Santana winces at the scratchiness of her voice. She's been crying for a while.

She thinks over the question, thinks of how to answer because she knows exactly what Brittany means, but then it hits her that the crying might be because of the news she announced downstairs about New York and finds herself second guessing her response. She knows she could play it dumb, pretend like she doesn't know but what would that do? It'd probably hurt Brittany to hear it for a second time, and so Santana knows she should just go for the honest reply.

"I didn't think I had to," she whispers, lifting a shoulder.

Brittany face twists beside her, her eyes narrowing into a squint and eyebrows pushing together. "Don't tell me that, Santana," she counters, shaking her head. "Don't give me that." She pauses and Santana takes in a deep breath, lifting her head a little but keeping her eyes out the window. "You know we're still friends."

It's true, they are, but that's the thing Santana's struggling with. She breathes out, looking down and twists on her feet until she's facing Brittany, staring up at her through her lashes. She doesn't know how to explain why she didn't tell Brittany, because she doesn't really know. It never passed her mind, it's not like she forgot, it was just that being three hours away is painful enough, being two hundred miles away is so fucking hard already, but maybe that was just it.

New York's just so much farther.

New York is almost six hundred miles way, nine hours in a car or a short plane trip away, and Santana's not sure she can do it because of that. She's never been more than a car ride away from Brittany but if she goes to New York, if she drops out of college and moves to the big city, then she's leaving Lima behind. She's leaving Brittany behind completely because being in New York means she can't pop home every weekend to do laundry. Being in New York means staying in New York, making a life there, just like Kurt and Rachel did and that's the reason she couldn't tell Brittany.

It was just too painful.

"We just... We have different lives now, Britt," she shrugs, feeling the internal ache of her words. She knows it's true but it doesn't mean she likes it. "I didn't think you'd care."

Hands grip her arms, tugging hers free and she looks up sharply into blue eyes, catching her breath at how close Brittany is now.

"I will _always _care, Santana," Brittany hisses, lowly, her eyes glossing over once more. "I will always care and you should know that."

Santana believes her, just like that. She doesn't even hesitate for a second before she nods, swallowing and looking between blue eyes, but as her face roam Brittany's face in an intense study, she sees something more. It's small, and if Santana hadn't stared at the girl for longer than five seconds, she probably wouldn't have seen it, but now she has and now she knows the reason for the tears wasn't for the news of Santana's possible move to New York, it's for something different, something deeper. She can see it and now she has this innate urge to know what the problem is, to know the reason for the tears, because just as Brittany just said, she'll always care about Santana and Santana feels exactly the same.

She wants to know—has to know—and so lets her hands twist, manipulating the way Brittany's grasping them so her fingers easily slide through the gaps in Brittany's, their palms coming together and the warmth spreading through her entire body. Her shoulders relax at the feel of it, her eyes fluttering just for a second and just opens her eyes right at the end, just in time to catch the last split second of Brittany reacting to it too, the way she sighs, the way her muscles relax and how she seems to be breathing a little easier now.

"But that's not why you're crying," she finally comments, trying not to focus on how obviously in love they still are. "You're not crying because of me and New York, are you?"

Brittany looks up, but then looks away just as quickly, almost as if she's feeling guilty. Santana just bites on her lip and waits until the blonde girl finally shakes her head, muttering a quiet, "No," beneath her breath.

Feeling the need to cry and the tell tale signs of it coming pricking at her eyelids, Santana swallows thickly and clears her throat, wrinkling her brow. "Why are you crying then?"

The grip on her hand loosens immediately, and she's about to clutch harder when Brittany's hands disappear from her grasp too. The sting of rejection is sharp as it pulses through her, but she ignores it and focuses on the way the blonde girls face falls, the way she takes in a deep, shaky breath and takes two stumbled steps backward until her calves hit the back of the bed and she's forced to sit down. Her hands come up to her head immediately, fingers running through her hair and when she tilts her head up again, Santana sees the tears threatening to pour from her blue eyes again, and she's almost shocked because she's never seen Brittany like this. She looks so conflicted, so _hurt _and it pains Santana because she doesn't know _why _she's like this.

Still, she stays in her place, choosing to clasp her hands together like it'll help the way her palms now feel ice cold from the loss of Brittany's contact.

"It doesn't feel right," Brittany finally comes out with, her voice broken and weak. She sniffs as a tear drops down her cheek and Santana clutches her hands a little harder together, ignoring the burning urge to wipe the wetness away. She can't do that anymore. It's not her place to.

"What doesn't?" She asks, carefully, shifting the weight from one leg to the other. She feels a little weird just standing here in the middle of the room, but she knows that the moment she's within Brittany's personal space, she won't be able to hold back and will just wrap her up in her arms, kiss her hair and tell her everything's going to be okay because she's there, but she can't do it. It's not true. She's not going to be here and she can't give them hope, even if that's what she needs right now: the security of knowing her and Brittany will be together in a better place at a better time.

An answer to her question never comes though, and she continues to stare at Brittany with a growing confusion because she just doesn't get it, but then blue eyes flicker up, locking with her dark ones and she almost slaps herself for being so stupid. That _'you know what' _look is spread all across Brittany's face and it almost relieves Santana to know that the thing that doesn't feel right isn't her, but it's Sam. That can only be a good thing, right?

It gives her a little more courage, a little more confidence, a little more hope, and she takes a small step forward, wringing her hands in front of her nervously and ignoring the way her heart's thudding against her ribcage. She tilts her head to the side, trying to convey sympathy but she knows there's no point in bullshitting Brittany. Brittany _knows _she doesn't feel sympathetic because how could she? If she could choose, she wouldn't have Brittany and Sam together, she wouldn't have Brittany with anyone else besides her, but that's just stupid and selfish to think. If she can't be with Brittany, then why should Brittany have to be unhappy? The least she can do if she can't be with Brittany is to make sure she's happy, no matter how much it sucks for her.

Finally, after taking in a deep breath, Santana wets her lips and finds the right words to say. "What's wrong with him?"

Brittany's head rolls to the side immediately, her hands pressing to her temple and jaw as she looks at her. "Nothing's wrong with him," she answers and Santana's growing confusion is suddenly struck by a jolt of pain. Wonderful. Sam's just _perfect. _Isn't that exactly what she wanted to hear? "He's amazing, he treats me well and makes me smile more than anyone anymore," the blonde admits, shaking her head and letting it hang again as her hands drop to her laps, nails picking at her nails and at that moment, Santana sort of dies. She remembers the time when she was the one that made Brittany smile. She remembers when that smile belonged to her, and only her. "But it just... It doesn't feel the same."

That catches Santana's attention and she whips her head around so fast she's scared it momentarily suspends from her neck. "The same?" She repeats, her voice going a little high as she slowly makes her way toward Brittany, settling on the bed next to her so close their thighs almost touch. "The same as what?"

Watery blue eyes slide back to her. "The same as us," Brittany whispers and it hits Santana like a ton of bricks because this is the moment.

This is the the moment where she knows she could get her girl back. She knows she could say the right things, turn things her way, give Brittany a certain look and a specific sentence and kiss her, knowing that Brittany wouldn't push her away as it slowly seeps into Brittany's mind that she needs to break up with Sam, and Santana knows that, but she doesn't want to do that anymore. She _can't _do that anymore because if she puts a spark of hope between them, if she lets Brittany believe that for one second they can go back to how they used to, it's only going to hurt both of them in the long run. It'll only damage them more because now too many things have happened between them, they've both been hurt and when they do get back together—because it is a _when _and not an _if_—they're going to have to work for each other. They're going to have to learn how to be together because things just won't be the same as it was way back when.

And okay, maybe she's wishing so damn hard that she could just tell Brittany that she could say the right things and get Brittany back, but Brittany's happy. She may be sitting on Sugar's bed now, saying that it doesn't feel right with Sam, but Santana knows that Brittany wouldn't just jump into a relationship with Sam unless she had real feelings for him, unless she'd thoroughly thought about her feelings and how it would effect Santana; and that leads Santana to only one conclusion that Brittany _is _happy. She is, and Santana may not be, but that doesn't matter.

She still means everything she said back in that Choir room on that fateful day; she can't be there for Brittany and can't pretend like everything's the same as it was because it's not anymore. She could be moving to New York and that's a big deal and sure as hell farther away from Lima than Louisville is. It takes a freaking plan journey to get there, or one bitch of a car ride, and Santana knows it'd only be more painful to be apart from each other. Louisville was bad enough, but New York? That's a whole other deal.

There's a part of her too, a big part actually, that's terrified of getting back with Brittany. There's a part of her that _doesn't _want to take advantage of this moment and get Brittany back because she doesn't think she could ever bare losing Brittany again, no matter whether it was her choice or not. She almost doesn't want to run the risk of getting back together with Brittany when her life might possibly change dramatically in the next few months because if she were to get back with her, and she moved to New York after all, or even just stayed in college and let her dream stay as what it is, she could have those same feelings again and be forced to take the mature road like she did before. Because they still wouldn't be getting what either of them needed regardless of whether they got back together, regardless of whether they fought for each other and they'd still miss each other like the moon misses the night because of the distance between them.

And even though she loves Brittany, loves her more than she ever thought was capable, she knows that them _not _being together is the right thing.

Maybe later in life they can try again. Maybe when things are easier, when they're on the same page, they can see where things go, but right now it's just the wrong time. It's like they've been standing in the same room, waiting for each other, but they got their timings mixed up and one left right before the other arrived. They've just got bad timing and it's just the worst thing ever because Santana would do anything to feel Brittany's lips against hers just one more time, to watch her sleep beside her just one more time and to run her fingertips over every inch of Brittany's face, memorizing it as they lay next to each other, just one more time, but she knows they can't right now.

Neither of them would be satisfied, would be truly happy and Santana can't have Brittany being upset. She just can't have Brittany being unhappy, sitting in her room, waiting for Santana to come on Skype just so they can talk and see each other for a few brief seconds. She's spent too much time in the past knowing Brittany's hurting, knowing she's upset, and she won't do it now. Not if there's the chance that Brittany can be happy.

Because what's the point in making Brittany's heart strong if she's just going to break it again?

So, with deep regret, Santana forces out a reply.

"It's not going to to be the same with Sam as it was with us," she whispers, pouring every ounce of honesty into her voice and looking straight into blue eyes. "A love like ours just doesn't fade. It can't be replaced and it won't disappear, but Brittany," she shifts forward and reaches over to grab Brittany's hands, pulling it into her lap as she looks over her face. She can't believe she's going to say this and _fuck, _is it going to hurt but it's the right thing. She's being selfless here. She just has to remember that. "You _can't _compare Sam to me," she breathes out, fighting the urge to cry as it stings at her eyes. "You _can't_ compare our relationship to yours with him because you won't be able to be happy if you do. Our love is something is something special," she chokes out, sucking in her lips briefly and the present tense. "It's once in a life time thing and you're not going to be able to get it with him," she says honestly because it's true. Sam will never be able to live up to Santana because she and Brittany are soul mates, and once you've found your soul mate, no-one else will compare.

Tears begin trickling down Brittany's cheek, her eyes reddening as she whimpers and sniffs, and Santana doesn't even blink as she reaches up to wipe them away with the pad of her thumb, marveling at the soft skin beneath her touch. It's been so long since she's touched Brittany that it's getting hard not to now they're in such close proximity. That's what Santana was worried about, though.

"But sometimes love isn't the problem with two people," she continues, feeling wetness on her own cheeks now. God, she told herself not to cry. She promised herself she wouldn't cry in front of Brittany again and yet here she is. "Sometimes you need to move on, to find someone else and Sam's a great guy, Brittany," she sucks in a deep, unsteady breath. "You two are good together because you're not just dating," she shakes her head, feeling her bottom lip quivering. "You've got a friendship, too and that's what makes you strong."

Brittany sniffs in quickly, cutting in before Santana can continue. "It didn't make us strong enough," she points out and Santana has to look away, blinking away the tears threatening to spill.

"No, it didn't," Santana agrees, swallowing thickly as she twists her neck, eyes shifting to regain eye contact. "But we're not in the same place as you and Sam are." It hurts so much to say. It hurts to even think and Santana almost doubles over as the words reach inside her chest and fist her heart because as she hears them spoken out loud, she realizes how true they are. "I could be moving to New York and you and Sam are here together, in Lima." Brittany looks at her, still crying. "You two should be together because it's right."

Taking one hand out of Santana's grasp, Brittany wipes under nose with the back of her hand and shrugs, almost exactly like how she did when she said that their 'unofficial' break up felt a hell of a lot like an 'official' break up. "Then why doesn't it feel right?" She counters, voice breaking.

Santana just closes her eyes at the memory of the choir room; this is almost just as painful as that was, having to tell the love of her life to be with someone else, but she knows she can get through it. As long as it's the right thing to do, as long as she convinces herself that it's right for them, that it's okay for Brittany to be happy without her, she can do it.

"You've got to let me go at some point, Brittany," she breathes, instantly hating herself for actually letting them come from her mouth. Brittany's head jerks back, her breath hitching as she stares at Santana with wide eyes. "You're not going to be able to enjoy being with Sam if you keep comparing him to me."

Brittany shakes her head continuously, the tears falling a little harder. "I don't wanna let you go," she utters, still twisting her neck from side to side. "I don't want to."

Santana shifts forward a little more until, clutching pale hands harder. "You don't have to let me go forever, Britt," she says because she can't let that happen. She doesn't know what she'd do if that was permanent. "But for now you do," she swallows thickly, sniffing. "You have to and you know I'm right."

They stare at each other for a long moment and it feels like there's some finality between them. It hurts, like _really _fucking hurts and Santana wants to take it all back and pretend like she didn't mean any of it but she can't. It's the right thing and fuck, sometimes she wishes she was more of a bitch. Sometimes she wishes she was the most selfish being alive because then at least it'd mean that she could have Brittany. At least that would mean she'd be able to call Brittany hers again.

But then amongst her thoughts, she realizes that Brittany's now laughing a little, taking her hands away and wiping away the wetness on her cheeks. Santana's confused for a second, not quite knowing how someone can go from crying their eyes out to laughing, but then she registers what kind of laugh it is and smiles herself.

"I hate you sometimes," Brittany says but there's affection lacing her tone and Santana knows Brittany's accepted that she's right. That Brittany and Sam is the right thing to do.

So she chuckles a little too, definitely agreeing with that sentiment. "I hate me too, Britt Britt. But we both know it's the right thing to do," she conveys her words whilst staring deeply into blue eyes and Brittany takes in a deep breath before looking down to Santana's hands and reaching over slowly to take them between her own, pressing warmth into them as she cups them on her lap. The hold is so tight, so comfortable, that Santana knows this is Brittany's way of telling her she'll never really let her go. It's just not possible.

"I love you, you know," Brittany whispers, tilting her head again, knitting her brows together and squinting at Santana like she's trying not to cry again. The thing is though, is Santana knows the girl really means it. She knows that Brittany loves her, that there will always be something between them, no matter whether they're in a relationship with someone else because it's them. It's like Brittany once explained with lobsters; her and Santana's claws are linked, just like lobsters claws are, and that means they've found their true love and will never let go.

And that's why Santana can tell Brittany she loves her, too. "I love you too, Britt, but you need to be happy and you're doing it with Sam and you have to on focus on that, with no comparisons." She looks at her. "Okay?"

She's saying those words, she's telling Brittany those words but her heart and mind are yelling completely different things. She's telling Brittany that she needs to be happy, that she needs to be happy with Sam, but inside she's screaming that Brittany should choose her, that Brittany should love her and not be with Sam. That's not the right thing to do, but there's a little part of her that wants Brittany to see through her words, to look into her heart and see what she really means.

But Brittany doesn't. Instead she say something that makes Santana's heart damn near jump out her chest.

"It'd probably be bad if I kissed you right now, wouldn't it?"

A smile stretches across Santana's face and she ducks her chin to her chest, hiding the blush that creeps across her cheeks. She hasn't blushed in such a long time and God, she's missed how Brittany makes her feel; like she's on top of the world and that everyday is the best day of her life.

But her life isn't like that anymore. Now Brittany makes someone else feel like that.

"Yeah, Britt," she says, looking up and making eye contact once more. There's nothing more than she wants right now, with Brittany's eyes roaming over her face, lingering on her lips and with Brittany unconsciously leaning in, her hot breath beating across the lower half of her face, than to kiss her. But she can't let that happen. "We can't do that anymore."

Brittany nods but doesn't lean back, and it's at that moment that they're staring at each other, that Santana thinks Brittany sees what she _really _wants lingering behind her eyes, that there's a whole big commotion downstairs and several voices yelling. But there's one louder than the rest and Santana glances up to look at the alarm clock on Sugar's bedside table to find that it's only a few minutes until the countdown begins.

So she taps Brittany's thigh and stands, holding out her hand and smiling down at the other girl. "Now come on, we need to go downstairs and you need to kiss Sam at midnight."

"Who are you going to kiss?" Brittany shoots back immediately, her eyes shining a little with jealousy.

But Santana's not going to kiss anyone. There's no-one that she wants to kiss apart from the person sitting in front of her. "I don't want to kiss anyone at midnight," she replies, but leaves the _if it's not you _out at the end, hoping Brittany might pick up on it; and she thinks Brittany does because the girl stands, takes a step toward her and cups her cheek, stroking the thumb over the skin there.

"You deserve to be happy, too," she whispers and Santana sucks in her lips, ignoring the heat prickling at her eyelids. She's already cried enough today and she's not going to do it again. Still, she reaches up to the hold the hand against her cheek, leaning into the touch because it's impossible for her _not _to.

"I know, Britt." _But I'll never be happy if I don't have you, _she leaves out. "Now come on, lets go."

And with that, they head out, Brittany's hand reaching for Santana's before they manage to even leave the bedroom.

/

Everyone's crowded around the massive TV in the living room when they get there, and the second Santana's foot leaves the bottom step, she drops Brittany's hand. Blue eyes flicker to her, flashing with rejection but she just smiles to her with that _you know why _and then tilts her head to the side, gesturing to where Sam's standing at the front of the living room, right beside the TV with the rest of the Glee kids, cheering and blowing into one of those celebratory horns.

Reaching over, she grabs Brittany's hand and urges her toward the back of the crowd, nodding when Brittany turns and stares at her, silently asking if she's coming with and Santana just nods back, despite the insistent tugging in her chest that knows that's a lie because there's no way she can stand next to Brittany and celebrate the New Year if they're not going to start it off together. Still, she just mouths _"I'll be there in a minute" _and Brittany gives a lopsided smile back before disappearing through the throng of people, only seconds later popping up beside Sam.

But Santana stays at the back alone, crossing her arms over her chest and watching as Sam grins down at Brittany as she sidles into him, his arm winding around her waist, and Santana just looks at them, watching the way they gaze into each others eyes and even though it kills her, it just reinforces everything she said upstairs. Brittany's happy with Sam and so Santana's going to let them be, no matter how much it hurts.

"IT'S STARTING," Sugar yells and everyone goes silent as the television flashes to the ball as it lowers, and then the entire group inside the house begins chanting along to the countdown.

"FIVE. FOUR. THREE. TWO. ONE. HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

The second the ball drops completely, everyone breaks into cheers, poppers go off, people begin jumping and celebrating and then the couples begin kissing. It completely catches Santana off guard because the first couple she registers isn't actually a couple at all, instead it's Quinn and Rachel, slowly leaning into each other and pressing their lips together. She always suspected a little something was going on there, with the way that Quinn always talked about Rachel, but she never really thought it'd happen. Apparently some people get their happy ending though and so Santana finds herself smiling at the two.

Then her attention turns to Sam and Brittany, and it actually goes in slow motion. She sees everything, takes in a deep breath and ignores the way her heart's thudding loud against her ribcage as Sam's hand slides around Brittany's jaw, tilting until Brittany's looking up at him, meeting his eyes.

It takes everything she has not to run over there as Sam leans down slowly, pressing their lips together and smiling against her mouth when she pushes up into him, her hands winding around his neck and sliding up into his short hair because she knows that kiss belongs to her. She knows the way she laughs into his mouth belongs to her, and she knows the way she breaks the kiss, tipping their foreheads together also belongs to her because that's what _they _used to do.

That's what couples do and even though Santana knows that she and Brittany aren't anymore, it slowly sinks in that Brittany's sharing everything they used to do with someone else. All the kisses, the touches, the looks, the hugs, _everything _and she knows in that moment, that that up there, kissing Brittany, should've been her.

Brittany pulls away from Sam just then, her face turning as Sam pulls her into a hug and Santana takes in a deep, unsteady breath as blue eyes stare right at her, meeting her gaze. It's like they're trying to say something to each other through the contact, like Brittany's telling Santana to speak now, to say what she's thinking because she knows Santana is thinking something about them, but Santana doesn't have anything to say back. She's said it all, she has nothing more to say and so she just stares back until Sam pulls back, oblivious to the fact his girlfriend's staring at Santana and tugs her into another kiss that Brittany doesn't really respond to.

And when Santana drops her gaze, ducks her head and feels the pain of watching Brittany with someone else sink in, she realizes that she doesn't really belong here anymore. She has no reason to be here anymore, not now that Brittany isn't hers.

So with that thought, she turns around, grabs her coat off the rack and slides it on as she pulls open the front door and leaves.

/

The air is bitterly cold and stings her cheeks as she steps outside. The sound of fireworks booms around her, the sound of people cheering and shouting too and she sees the residual flashes from the fireworks reflecting against the canvas of the night sky, painting it with a variety of different colors and honestly, it looks kind of beautiful.

Santana digs her hands deep into her pockets after she does up her coat, tucking her chin into the lapels and watching her own breath come out in clouds in front of her. She can hear everyone celebrating inside the house behind her but just stares up at the sky as she begins walking down the pathway, shivering at the breeze that comes by, and it's that breeze that almost carries away the voice that yells her name.

"Santana!"

She pauses at the top of the pathway, waiting for the breeze to past until the hears her name again, this time a little louder. Slowly, she turns around and finds Brittany standing in the doorway of Sugar's house, looking around inside quickly but then giving up on whatever she was looking for and shutting the front door as she steps out of it, jogging slowly toward Santana, shivering toward the coat. Perhaps she was looking for a coat.

"Britt?" She says, looking down at herself. Did she take Brittany's jacket? "What are you doing out here?"

Brittany slows as she approaches her, ignoring the question. "Why did you leave?"

Santana drops her head, unsure as to what to reply. "I just..." she sighs, trailing off and staring at her boot as the bottom of it scuffs along the gravel on the pavement. "I just don't belong anymore."

"You always belong where I am," Brittany comes back with immediately, voice soft, and when Santana looks up she finds the other girl a lot closer than she was a minute ago. She sucks in a deep, shaky breath, but finds herself able to tear herself away from Brittany's eyes as they bore down into her. This isn't fair. This isn't allowed because there's a guy waiting inside that house that thinks Brittany wants him, that thinks Brittany's moved on with him and yet Brittany's staring down at her with this look in her eyes, a look that Santana knows only too well.

"Britt—"

"Just stop talking for a second," Brittany cuts in and Santana can't do anything but acquiesce, clamp down on her tongue and watch.

Watch as Brittany shifts a little closer, watch as Brittany blinks slowly, taking in a deep breath as one hand slides down Santana's forearm, tangling their fingers together as the other comes to her face, thumb stroking along the line of her jaw before her palm settles on her cheek. She just stands there and watches, almost frozen in fear as Brittany offers a sad smile, tipping her head down and hesitating as their noses bump. They're so close now that their lips are almost touching, but both of them still and Santana finds herself unwilling to move away from the sudden warmth Brittany's body has bought with her, even though there's a massive part of her that's saying how wrong this is so she just stays there, looking into blue eyes as they exchange warm exhalations of breath.

But then there's a flutter of movement and one of them shifts—Santana's unsure as to who it is—and then they're kissing, their lips pressing against each other and Santana's gasping at the difference of temperature between the outside air and inside of Brittany's mouth. Santana smiles, and Brittany kisses her so gently that the touch might not even be there, but may actually be a memory, or a wish, or even a burning desire, and for some reason it makes Santana want to cry; the way Brittany's holding her, dropping her hand and sliding her hand up to the other side of Santana's cheek, cupping it and kissing her deeper.

Although she can't really focus on much else except the fact that Brittany's kissing her again, that Brittany's sighing pleasantly against her mouth and Santana's mirroring it as her hands find the other girls hips, settling on them and urging their bodies closer as all hesitancy in the kiss and Santana's opening her mouth, coaxing Brittany deeper into the kiss, so she doesn't even have time to cry. She just lets herself sink into this moment, this kiss that she's going to remember for the rest of her life and lets herself bask in it because this is the best she's going to get for a long time now. She can feel it in the way Brittany kisses her, in the way Brittany's tongue brushes against hers and the way Brittany whimpers as Santana strokes back, letting out her own pleased sigh against the other girls lips.

But all good things come to an end and Santana finds herself pulling back, but unable to go all the way back as she keeps within Brittany's personal space, restraining from the urge to tip their foreheads together but giving into the urge to keeping their faces as close together as possible. She breathes out shakily, feeling the tingle on her lips and pushes back the urge to suck them into her mouth and taste Brittany again because then she won't be able to hold back from kissing the girl again.

So she just manages to whisper out a hoarse, "Why?"

Brittany just smiles softly down at her, dropping one hand to the warm skin covering Santana's collarbone whilst the other focuses on smoothing over dark, glossy hair. "I know you said you didn't want to kiss anyone at midnight," she mutters, switching her gaze from Santana's hair to dark eyes and Santana's breath hitches. "But I knew you meant something different."

The blonde girl pulls away, offering a soft and knowing smile and Santana watches her back away, her own heart thudding so loud it's the only thing she can hear in her ears. With a quivering breath, she twists on her feet and tucks her hands back in her pockets as she walks away herself, leaving the love of her life to go back into the arms of another person.

"Hey, San?"

Santana twirls around immediately, eyebrows raised expectantly as she stares at the girl by the front door, paused and staring back at her. "Yeah?"

"I'll always love you the most, too." Brittany lifts a shoulder like it's not a big deal, but the sparkle in her eyes and the smile playing at her lips says it is. "I never got to tell you."

Then suddenly, with those words, Santana feels a whole lot better about this because it doesn't really matter if Brittany's dating Sam. It doesn't really matter if Sam's the one to kiss her, to hold her, to cuddle her when she's down—even though it kind of does matter—because the big picture is that Santana has Brittany's heart, and Brittany has hers. That's something that no amount of physical affection can overcome because like she said, their love is something special and it can't be replaced.

So with a smile sad on her face, she bobs her head and lifts it, her eyes going straight to Brittany. "I know, Britt. I know."

Twisting open the front door, Brittany scratches her eyebrow and ducks her chin to her chest to hide the blush. "Just wanted to make sure," she says before giving Santana one last lopsided smile and disappearing into the house, the door closing behind her.

Because even though they may not be together, they'll always belong to each other. They'll always be in love with each other and Sam can do what he wants, Sam can date Brittany, tell her he loves her and be the most amazing boyfriend, but he'll never mean half as much as Santana does to Brittany, and that's all that really matters because sure, they may be a little lost now, but they just need to find their way.

And Santana knows they will.


End file.
